the one with all the resolutions

To my Friends friends --

One of the best episodes. Am I right? I mean, do you realize how many classic Friends references come from this one episode? Phoebe trying to teach Joey to play the guitar. Ross getting stuck in the leather pants. Rachel desperately trying not to gossip... which eventually explodes in the legendary THEY DON'T KNOW THAT WE KNOW THEY KNOW WE KNOW! (Which comes up in my life more than any other Friends reference. Ever.) But my favorite resolution is Chandler's commitment to not make fun of his friends for the entire year--which is ridiculously impossible and the very reason why he is the best character on the show. No, really, he is.

I like New Year's resolutions. (I am aware that it's November.) Come January one, my social media will be split between all my "I-declare-this-new-year-to-be" friends and my "resolutions-are-for-the-birds" friends. I'm here to tell you that I'm on the pro-resolutions side of the fence. (But I still love all of you folks who want to call it something else or debunk it altogether.) I'm just a sucker for the idea of a fresh start and a new goal. And I don't care if some cheesy tradition is the root of it.
Shortly after we rang in 2015, I had one of those moments when I realized God had been putting something in front of my face a bajillion times and it was FOR A REASON. I kept hearing people in my church worlds refer to the resolution concept as something like, "In what areas of your life are you waiting for a breakthrough?" BREAKTHROUGH. I can't even recount the times this word came up during the first weeks of the year. Okay, God. Got it.

So I wrote down a few things. A few things that have bothered me for years. A few things that I have often resigned to living with for the rest of my life. A few things that can make me feel broken. A few things that can suffocate. A few things that I have never completely relinquished to God.

This is what I've learned:

• "Breakthrough" does not come easily. The very word tells you that something will break. I don't really like to break. It's uncomfortable. 
• When you ask God to change something, you have to allow it to happen on His terms. I'm a planner. I love to orchestrate how something comes to be. Not gonna happen here.
• There will be interference. Let's call it what it is - when I ask God to work on something in me and plan to give Him the credit, the devil will try to destroy it. You can count on that.

When I began this post, I wanted to write about how I have truly seen breakthrough in these areas of my life. That was three weeks ago. Weeks. I wrote the first part and then needed to leave to get somewhere on time. (Or a few minutes late. Let's be real.) And I never came back to it.

Because my second "breakthrough" undid itself. WHAT. And I have been so frustrated. SO frustrated. And, to be honest, I let myself fall apart for a little bit. I fell into school stress and busyness and self-defeat. And it was easy to do because OCTOBER. I love October, but October is when the newness of the school routine has come and gone. Report cards, parent conferences, real things to grade, testing--and that's just my end of it. My Mady Jane is in the thick of it now, too, which means KEEPING UP WITH 1ST GRADE. (Don't get me wrong - she's a rockstar. I just hold on tight.) And the holiday season begins without you even knowing it. Costumes, parties, field trips, projects, birthdays. Yay. And I just lost it. It was so not pretty. And I apologize to those innocent bystanders who felt the effects of it. But I'm over it. I began this post to give glory to God for the changes in my life this year. And even through this hiccup, the year is not over and I'm refocusing to find the breakthrough. Don't be surprised if you hear me coaching myself over the next few weeks: Hold on. Shake through the distractions. Break   through.

the one with all the excuses

Well hello, stranger.

This odd thing happens to me when I haven't been writing--I am completely bombarded with ideas I want to write about first. So much so, that I will continue to put off writing because I don't know where to begin. And the ridiculous problem snowballs.

In my mind, I've written 27.5 posts since May. (Just a little factoid about me: I also do this with emails and text messages. I respond in my head and forget, sometimes for days or even weeks, that I never actually responded. It's the most pitiful thing. I'm so sorry for my victims.)

Once I get over my mind games and actually sit down to write, I enter the next stage: remorse. I always feel I should apologize when I go MIA from writing. I'm not sure why. I mean, to whom would I be apologizing? I'm quite sure no one was offended by my blogging absence. But excuse-making is always the first thing that comes to mind when I sit down to write again--as if I must tell you why, exactly, I've gone missing.You'll never guess.

Busyness. Life changed a little and my writing habit (and time) went with it! There. That's my excuse. Let's move on...

Actually. Let's hover here for a moment.

I went back to teaching. For those who aren't around me daily, you're probably wondering what happened since that "life-changing" decision when I left teaching to stay home. Remember that post? If I'm being honest, I worry quite often that people question my sincerity. Why would I leave in such a "this-is-what-I-have-to-do" way only to return a year later? It was, for sure, a huge moment for me. What I did not realize (or acknowledge) at the time was that it was a moment. Just a moment. One very important moment, but still just one moment in a lifetime of them. I now see it was the beginning of a paradigm shift. I learned SO MUCH last year... mostly concerning my identity. I learned more about who I am supposed to be as a Christ-follower, as a wife, as a mom (in that order, in fact) and even as a teacher. I'm still learning. And truly understanding that God's molding is a continual process.

Just to clarify, I went back part-time. I was approached with the idea last spring and got to just watch it unfold for a few months having no clue if it would ever be a thing. And then it happened. And it is BEAUTIFUL. I feel spoiled. I have the best of both worlds and wish everyone could work this way. Especially teachers. But I do know, without any doubt in my mind, that I would not be able to take the approach I have with my job if it had not been for taking off last year. My purpose shifted in a huge way, and I'm not really even sure how or when it happened. But I know His purpose is greater.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth." Ephesians 1:3-10

the one with the writing on the walls

Sometimes I feel as though this past year has been a dream. I could not have predicted any of it. I still don't understand most of it. I am eternally grateful for all of it. (And I'm trying like crazy to not skip over that last part.)

And I just realized this was the topic of my last post. But do you see how prevalent it is for me?

One of the many lessons I've been learning this year is to take the Bible literally. I heard a speaker talk about doing this with Deuteronomy 6 -

 "5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."

Her talk was more about verse 7 - to impress these commandments on your children when you sit, walk, lie down, and get up. But I also loved the idea of writing them on the doorframes. I mean, what's not to love? I'm a happy girl with a sharpie pen in hand.

So write we did! We have been unquestionably blessed by this house we are building. And we had some fresh doorframes waiting to be covered...

"And you must love the LORD your God
with all your heart, all your soul, and
all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid;
do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 

"You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty
that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle
and quiet spirit, which is precious to God." I Peter 3:4

"Be on your guard. Stand firm in the faith.
Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything
with love." I Corinthians 16:13-14

"'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be
food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the Lord of
hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and 
pour out for you a blessing until if overflows.'" Malachi 3:10

"Wherever you go, I will go;
wherever you live, I will live.
 Your people will be my
people, and your
God will be my God."
Ruth 1:16

Lord, let this home be filled with You.

the one with all the magic

If you know me--especially if you follow me on any social media, you probably know where we spent spring break.

THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH.

Well, for a day anyway. I think that's technically just The Magic Kingdom's tagline. But "the happiest place on earth" doesn't go with my story. Hang with me.

Our trip truly was magical. It deserves its own post (and will get one soon), but today I just need to tell you about all that has unfolded in the past month... week... even just days! We spent a week in Florida experiencing the magic--the shows, the characters, the rides, the parades, the fun. The imagination involved in Disney World is something that always amazes me. I think I had several experiences, or watched my kids have them, that could only be described as "magical." There's a wonder to it all. It's like watching their minds discover things beyond their dreams.

That's how I feel about our life right now--"Beyond our dreams." I cannot believe the way things have unfolded for us. "Magical" might be a funny way to describe it. "Miraculous" is closer. Definitely God-designed. This also amazes me.

In my last update, I wrote about needing to bring in extra money before we close on our house this summer. Here's what's happened since then:

• March 21-24 -- Moved out of our townhouse with the help of wonderful friends and family. We did not have to rent a truck or storage space - thanks to my super-generous parents and their attic!
• March 25-April 1 --Had an incredible trip and didn't spend a dime out of our monthly budget. 
• April 2 -- Closed on the sale of our townhouse. THANK YOU, JESUS!!
• April 10-11 -- Held a very successful garage sale at my parents' house. Made much more than we expected and got rid of all our junk!

And here's the biggest turn of events: I'm going back to work. (WHAT!?) We have been searching for ways to make this thing happen, and I truly believe God placed this in our laps. He has worked it out perfectly. They called last week from the school I taught at for the past 7 years and asked me if I would take an interim for the last 6 weeks of school for a teacher who is leaving. The last 6 weeks of school? The best part of the whole year? You mean, I get to review for state testing? My favorite thing? (No really, it is. I know I'm strange.) No new curriculum? No big assignments to grade? Only 2 weeks until testing and then I am home free?  I AM IN!

I started on Thursday. (I told you it was quick!) Let's look at life right now - We are living with friends. I'm back at work. Darin's picking up on-call shifts in west TN on the weekends (and we go with him). We might be just a tad bit scattered right now! But we are having fun and hanging on to the temporary craziness and thanking God for the opportunities and watching Him piece together this whole plan miraculously. It's magical - in the best way possible. Beyond anything we imagined.

the one where I

I am not a finisher.

Not even close. I'm an IDEAS girl. I love to create and find new things and develop and plan... but I rarely finish.

One of the biggest areas this nasty habit emerges is in my reading life. I used to say I wasn't A READER. Your reaction to that statement probably has something to do with my degree in English or my 7 year run as an English teacher, but that's another discussion for another day. Last year I set out on a quest to become A READER. It worked. But it did not resolve my deep-seated issues of being a non-finisher. I'm currently in the middle of reading 6 books--with a stack of about as many on deck.

From time to time, this finishing issue starts to get to me. It's like a bad habit that I'm constantly looking to break. Last Tuesday was one of those times. I sat down with a fairly free schedule for the day and decided to finish as much of my "currently reading" list as possible. (Truth be told, I felt guilty about a book my sister-in-law had let me borrow and thought I could return it to her over Thanksgiving.) Goal set.

Don't you know where this is going? Here's what I read that afternoon...

from You're Made for a God-Sized Dream by Holley Gerth

Heather didn't ever think of herself as a "stay-at-home" mom. She respected and admired women who made that choice. Yet it was clear she had an incredible gift when it came to designing and God had called her to DaySpring. Still, as Micah grew and a daughter, Lily, arrived as well, it seemed she heard a new call too.
She sensed God whispering that for this season, he wanted her to be able to focus more on being a mom. We talked about that transition many times over lunch. Heather wrestled with it intensely. Even when she made the transition, she confessed that it was much harder than she imagined, although it was what a part of her deep inside really wanted too.
She had two God-sized dreams that seemed to be in conflict with each other. Heather says:
It took some time to adjust to the idea. Those first few months were very hard. Then one day a quote stick out to me. It said, "You can have it all--but you can't have it all at once." That changed my perspective. I began to think of my dreams in terms of seasons. For now, I knew that the God-sized dream of being home with my kids was supposed to be my main focus. That was a dream that didn't come naturally to me. My other dream, of fulfilling my creative calling, had always been there, and now it seemed I needed to pursue it differently. For a while I stepped away completely from that dream but then gradually began doing freelance work and finding other ways to express that desire of my heart. In a few years, both of my kids will be in school and my God-sized dreams will change again. I used to think that dreams stayed the same all of our lives. Now I understand that they change right along with us and what God has in each season....

Our lives shift and change. Seasons come and go. Our dreams do too. But through it all one thing remains steady: the God who put those dreams within our hearts in the first place.

The end of that hit me hard. Did you catch it? It's probably a personal issue, but I definitely read this sentence in there:

"In a few years, both of my kids will be in school and I will go back to the job I loved."

And as I finished the sentences that followed, they just did not seem cohesive with that idea. So I reread it.

HAH. Change. "... and my God-sized dreams will change again." Come on. Really?

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for my life to go back to how it was when ________.

I always say that somewhere in the back of my mind I expect to go back to Olivet Nazarene University. I think about walking across campus and Darin riding up next to me on his bike. I think about soaking up knowledge in the halls of Burke or late night study sessions at Denny's. I think about going back to a time when spending a Saturday in the Windy City was normal and life was oh-so-simple.

Other times I assume life will return to being two young newlyweds with the world before us. Traveling together, making some of our very first real world decisions together, having nothing and no one but each other to take care of each day.

I'm not saying I wish to go back to these previous lives. I love my life and regret not one bit of it. It's hard to explain, but I actually just find myself assuming that we will see those experiences again someday. And we won't. Which is okay. But we won't.

My current dilemma leaves me thinking about when I'll go back to teaching. And when I imagine it, I imagine it perfectly like it was in the past. This will never happen. And I know this, but I've been stuck thinking about it for quite some time. Until I read this story from this book I had carelessly not finished. And oh, how I needed to read that very story on that very day.

Life won't go back to what it was. Ever. I'm working on that idea still. I am frequently asked if I'll go back to teaching next year or maybe when Jackson goes to school. I never know how to answer this. It usually depends on how my day is going. Things going well? I might not ever go back. Tough day? I'm going back next year. But I think God is trying to tell me that I will never just "go back." There's a different dream at the end of this one. Who knows how close it will look to anything I've done in the past.

More importantly, I'm not to the end of this dream yet. So I'm praying and waiting and listening and hoping to find contentment and peace with where God has me right now. And some days, I really see it! I'm working on the others. [Deep breath out.]

the one where I was a stressball

Let's talk about STRESS.

(I can almost feel my eye twitching.)

I mentioned in my last post that I was somewhat of a workaholic. You could also have labeled me STRESSBALL. I know "The Stress of Education" is kind of a hot topic these days. Many teachers are quick to explain how loaded their jobs are - complaining or not, it requires quite a bit out of you if you take it seriously at all. People on the other side (who obviously don't know many teachers) are quick to roll their eyes at this. I'll save my views on that for another time, but suffice it to say - I think the issue of the public vs teachers would have driven me to quit eventually, had God not intervened with his plan first. My point is this: I was stressed. Entirely.

I've been thinking about stress lately. I think it's a part of this whole journey I'm on right now. I'm still stressed. At least, I am physically. It's the strangest thing to me. My day-to-day has completely changed. I have no reason to feel like I'm overloaded - I'm not overloaded. But could someone please tell my body that? I have been worn out and emotionally, um, wobbly, to say the least. :) And you want to know my tell? My eye twitches. Incessantly. I mean, I can tell you specific times in my life that I've had this issue. Each time involves a great deal of stress and very little sleep - Lit Crit papers in college, completing my final student teaching portfolio, an overly-thorough job interview, my first teaching observation, every test run during the last weeks of my pregnancies, my first homecoming week handling the money for student council... very busy seasons of my life. But this? My eye started its lovely spasm the first week of September and finally stopped October 3rd.

You know what cured it? Fall break. I realize the concept of a break from school no longer applies to me, but I truly believe that it was so physically ingrained in me to be stressed during this time every year that my body just did it by habit. I know I sound crazy.

So I've been trying to be really specific about things I'm facing in my life and what God has for me to learn from them. He's obviously been drawing my attention to my created habit of stress. Application? Right under my nose. I've been reading You're Made for a God-Sized Dream by Holley Gerth. My sister-in-law, Sarah, gave it to me; She's one of my great encouragers. :) I was reading this weekend and came across this passage:

   Stress is inherent in pursuing "more" in your life. It's part of God-sized dreams. When it's positive, stress serves as a motivator and pushes us toward growth. But when we chronically live in stress, it saps us of our strength and we end up in survival mode.

   Our brains have another area intended to help us rationally process life and our emotions. Most of the time, this is the part God intends to be in charge. But ensuring that happens means intentionally creating a healthy lifestyle. When we make poor food choices, ignore exercise, and don't get enough rest, then we flip ourselves into living out of a stress response. That makes it much harder to hear God's voice, love those around us, and effectively pursue the God-sized dreams in our hearts.

HELLO.

She goes on to make it really personal...

   If you find yourself having a tough day, pause and ask, "What does my body need right now?"...
   Don't be surprised if you ask yourself that question and the answer that comes back is, "I need a triple-shot mocha with extra whipped cream." That's the part of your brain that's in charge of the stress response simply telling you what it thinks will make it all better now. Think of it like a toddler and kindly respond, "Thanks for that idea, but I think we'd better go with something different this time." Give yourself, and your brain, grace in those moments. Overall it serves you well--you just can't let it take charge in times of stress.

Or times of fake stress. :)

She suggests three things to do at a minimum: Commit to getting 7-10 hours of sleep a night, get moving a few times a week, and put a basic plan in place for healthy eating. I've got the first one covered now. And, honestly, have been doing well with the second one, too. The third is always my most difficult. I'm not sure why healthy eating is so hard for me, but it has really been my biggest stumbling block--especially since I adopted this lifestyle of stress. BUT. I'm done with the stressball life. I can be done with this, too.

We've made many many changes in our family recently. It's like our lives are under a fairly extensive renovation; not many areas have been left untouched. At the end of September, my eye twitch was not the only thing to go. We also left behind our unbalanced lifestyle. We started October with an Advocare 24-Day Challenge, and we're looking to move our lives to a healthy, stress-free place. I'm not going to say that food hasn't still been a struggle. But I'm looking for suggestions! What do you do for healthy family meals? Anything to keep it fun and interesting?