the one with the writing on the walls

Sometimes I feel as though this past year has been a dream. I could not have predicted any of it. I still don't understand most of it. I am eternally grateful for all of it. (And I'm trying like crazy to not skip over that last part.)

And I just realized this was the topic of my last post. But do you see how prevalent it is for me?

One of the many lessons I've been learning this year is to take the Bible literally. I heard a speaker talk about doing this with Deuteronomy 6 -

 "5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."

Her talk was more about verse 7 - to impress these commandments on your children when you sit, walk, lie down, and get up. But I also loved the idea of writing them on the doorframes. I mean, what's not to love? I'm a happy girl with a sharpie pen in hand.

So write we did! We have been unquestionably blessed by this house we are building. And we had some fresh doorframes waiting to be covered...

"And you must love the LORD your God
with all your heart, all your soul, and
all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid;
do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 

"You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty
that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle
and quiet spirit, which is precious to God." I Peter 3:4

"Be on your guard. Stand firm in the faith.
Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything
with love." I Corinthians 16:13-14

"'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be
food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the Lord of
hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and 
pour out for you a blessing until if overflows.'" Malachi 3:10

"Wherever you go, I will go;
wherever you live, I will live.
 Your people will be my
people, and your
God will be my God."
Ruth 1:16

Lord, let this home be filled with You.

the one with all the magic

If you know me--especially if you follow me on any social media, you probably know where we spent spring break.

THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH.

Well, for a day anyway. I think that's technically just The Magic Kingdom's tagline. But "the happiest place on earth" doesn't go with my story. Hang with me.

Our trip truly was magical. It deserves its own post (and will get one soon), but today I just need to tell you about all that has unfolded in the past month... week... even just days! We spent a week in Florida experiencing the magic--the shows, the characters, the rides, the parades, the fun. The imagination involved in Disney World is something that always amazes me. I think I had several experiences, or watched my kids have them, that could only be described as "magical." There's a wonder to it all. It's like watching their minds discover things beyond their dreams.

That's how I feel about our life right now--"Beyond our dreams." I cannot believe the way things have unfolded for us. "Magical" might be a funny way to describe it. "Miraculous" is closer. Definitely God-designed. This also amazes me.

In my last update, I wrote about needing to bring in extra money before we close on our house this summer. Here's what's happened since then:

• March 21-24 -- Moved out of our townhouse with the help of wonderful friends and family. We did not have to rent a truck or storage space - thanks to my super-generous parents and their attic!
• March 25-April 1 --Had an incredible trip and didn't spend a dime out of our monthly budget. 
• April 2 -- Closed on the sale of our townhouse. THANK YOU, JESUS!!
• April 10-11 -- Held a very successful garage sale at my parents' house. Made much more than we expected and got rid of all our junk!

And here's the biggest turn of events: I'm going back to work. (WHAT!?) We have been searching for ways to make this thing happen, and I truly believe God placed this in our laps. He has worked it out perfectly. They called last week from the school I taught at for the past 7 years and asked me if I would take an interim for the last 6 weeks of school for a teacher who is leaving. The last 6 weeks of school? The best part of the whole year? You mean, I get to review for state testing? My favorite thing? (No really, it is. I know I'm strange.) No new curriculum? No big assignments to grade? Only 2 weeks until testing and then I am home free?  I AM IN!

I started on Thursday. (I told you it was quick!) Let's look at life right now - We are living with friends. I'm back at work. Darin's picking up on-call shifts in west TN on the weekends (and we go with him). We might be just a tad bit scattered right now! But we are having fun and hanging on to the temporary craziness and thanking God for the opportunities and watching Him piece together this whole plan miraculously. It's magical - in the best way possible. Beyond anything we imagined.

the one where I need patience

"So what's going on with your house? You haven't put anything on your blog!"

Oops. :)

I apologize for putting our story out there and then disappearing for a while. I think I've been really feeling the uncertainty of the selling process and have been hesitant to talk about it... or even let myself get excited about it. But God is still working. I should still be sharing.

So the update: 

I believe I last left you at, "We lost our buyer." We lost the house we put a contract on to buy, too. Sad. It was the perfect house on the perfect lot for us. Last lot in the neighborhood. If I'm being honest, it was pretty difficult for me to go from feeling like God was laying out all of these ideal plans for us to it all falling through. 

BUT a few weeks later, we had a new buyer! We began to look for a new house again, as well, but we were really struggling with the options. We had been told they could build the house we were originally going to buy in two other neighborhoods in town, but we didn't feel like we liked those areas as well as the original. After searching through our options, we gave in and went to visit one of the lots. AND. WE. LIKED. IT. Who knew?

With a new buyer and a new need to leave, we decided to buy a lot and build the same floor plan as the house we were originally set to buy. The best part? We get to make design selections! Dreamy. 

So now? We pack! And pack and pack and pack. And pray we get through closing. 

We are set to close on our sale in the beginning of April. Here's where I'm starting to see God's timing...

Our appraisal on our townhouse did not exactly go well. After closing on this house, we won't have the amount of money we thought we would for the down payment on our new house. But because our new house is a build instead of the one already built that we were going to buy, there's a 10-week period between closings where we will be homeless. Or houseless. But God has provided some great friends for us to stay with which will allow us to save what we need during that time. Provision.

Slowly but surely it is beginning to unfold. So we wait. And watch. (And pack.) Expectantly.

the one where the end was the beginning

Remember in my last post when I said, "It has been a whirlwind of a 'two weeks,' my friends"? Well. That was precious.

In the six days since, it seems a million new things have entered our lives. Most of all, we had our appraisal on Thursday morning and lost our buyer on Friday morning. (Not because of the appraisal. We're not really sure why.) The end.

I mean, not really, but sort of. We're back to square one, which, oddly enough, was a place we were totally content with being just 3 weeks ago. I keep trying to remind myself of that contentment.

At the beginning of the year, my BFF, Laura, shared that she was going to do Beth Moore's scripture memory challenge and that I should join her. So I did! The basic concept is to memorize 2 new verses a month -- 24 total for the year. You pick whichever scripture you want and enter it on Beth Moore's blog on the 1st and 15th of each month. Next January, there will be a celebration for those who complete the challenge, and we plan to go! :) 

SO my first verse to memorize was 2 Corinthians 12:9...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I cannot tell you how many times this verse has come into play since January 1st. It's unbelievable, really. I mean, I can start with the obvious -- "My grace is sufficient." Sufficient. As in, all I could possibly need. No beautiful new house could fill us in the same way. No relationships (sorry, friends). No amount of financial security. No job. No perfectly behaved children. Nothing. Not that these things aren't noble pursuits. But they cannot be THE pursuit. Not one of those things will ultimately satisfy.

And then there's THE WEAKNESS. You know my weakness? "Trust and obey." Control. Structure. Order. Providing these things for my kids. So here I am -- trying to boast in my weakness. This part has really stuck out to me. I need you to know that I am SO NOT CAPABLE of trusting and obeying -- of letting go of control completely. This struggle is oh-so-real in my life. It is my weakness. THEREFORE, I will boast in it so that His power can fill those places and be sufficient. 

I know the things in our life right now are insignificant compared to the struggles of many. I promise I know that. But it feels a bit chaotic for my need-to-control self. Vulnerable. So I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and allow Him to do that for me. I heard this song on the radio last Wednesday and it just overwhelmed me. I first thought of 3 friends, specifically, in 3 very different situations who just weighed heavy on my heart when I heard it. But I've been listening to it over and over and feel I probably needed to hear it, too. It speaks of the "glorious unfolding" that will come if we wait and see what God has for us. I love it. And I can't wait to see what unfolds for us.

If you can't see the video, go here --->

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKMjEvF2Fkw

The song is "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. So good.

the one with the old church song

   Later on God tested Abraham's faith and obedience. "Abraham!" God called. "Yes," he replied. "Here I am."
   "Take your son, your only son -- yes, Isaac, whom you love so much -- and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will point out to you."
   The next morning Abraham got up early. He saddled his donkey and took two of his servants with him, along with his son Isaac. Then he chopped wood to build a fire for a burnt offering and set out for the place where God had told him to go...  {Genesis 22}

Crazy Abraham with his blind faith. I mean, the man is not perfect. There are definitely parts of his story that serve as a lesson of what NOT to do. But in this moment he was so very willing to trust God and obey him completely. Bravo, Abraham. That is not always easily done.

Trust and obey. There's an old church song for you -- one that has been playing over and over (and over) in my mind for the past two weeks. And it has been a whirlwind of a "two weeks," my friends. I've been told I'm kind of wordy, so I'll lay this out in bullet form to try to save some verbiage.

• Wed, Dec 31 - Got a call to show our house. Slightly annoying on NYE, but okay. Part of the process.
  
• Sat, Jan 3 - Call for another showing. Extra annoying because we're getting ready to have Jackson's birthday party, but it works.
• Sun, Jan 4 - Yet another showing. (Someone's interested!) This makes it less annoying.
• Mon, Jan 5 - Our realtor calls to say WE HAVE AN OFFER ON OUR TOWNHOUSE. A good offer. (For those of you who are unaware, we were not in a good place to sell. Our asking price was sort of a dream. Or a miracle. Definitely a miracle.) We counter-offer, nervously.
• Tues, Jan 6 - Our counter-offer is accepted. Boom. Closing date set for Feb 6th.
• Thurs, Jan 8 - We start looking at houses because, well, see above.
• Fri, Jan 9 - Inspection on our townhouse. Anxious.
• Sat, Jan 10 - Find two houses we love. Make a million lists to compare.

Let's pause here. I can't stick to bullets for long without feeling it needs a little narration. The two houses we were comparing were across the street from each other. Both new construction (the last two lots left in the area they were developing). Darin has a dream of living outside of the city limits. I don't necessarily share his passion in this area, but I'm not against. So because of my desire to have a happy marriage, I lean towards this goal of his by default. I do, however, have a limit of how far out I truly want to be. Distance to things we drive to often is something to consider... Mady's school, our church, Darin's office, the YMCA, family and friends. But these houses were the perfect mix. Outside city limits, decent lot (which has proven difficult to find in our area at our price range), still in a neighborhood, field behind the yard to not ever be developed, pretty country drive to get there, yet only added ten minutes at most to any regular drive we make. Perfect compromise. The difference in the two was a bonus room, an extra half bath, and about $200 a month. Ouch. I spent all day Sunday convinced it was smarter in the long run to get the bigger house. I didn't want to feel like we'd grown out of the smaller one after a year or so. I told Darin my thoughts and everything on his face said he just wanted me to be happy. (He's a good one. Also, I think he knew he got his yard and country either way!)

But Monday came. Monday always brings a dose of reality, doesn't it? I had some serious quiet time on Monday and felt certain God was directing me. He reminded me how much he cares for me. He reminded me of the promise he had given us a year ago when he told me to quit my job. (My what has happened in a year!) He reminded me that he is the Provider - not just necessities, but sometimes even the specific desires of our hearts. Do you know what my desire has always been for our house? I bet some people could quote me saying, "I love our house. I just want another bedroom, a yard, a garage, and our own four walls."

And the smaller house had EXACTLY that. I've always loved the features of our townhouse. It has great storage. It has great space. It has the makings of a thoughtful builder. This house had all the same things that I love PLUS a bedroom, a yard, a garage, and its own four walls. And, here's the kicker -- We could live in it for almost the exact same amount we pay monthly now. WHAT? That's provision. Specific provision.

So I cried a little, prayed a bunch, and called Darin. We made an offer. Back to the bullets...

• Mon, Jan 12 - Offer made.
• Tues, Jan 13 - Counter-offer received, offer ACCEPTED. We have a house! Set to close on February 24!
• Wed, Jan 14 - Inspection report requests on our townhouse received. Nothing big! Easy. Now all we lack to hold our breath through is the appraisal.
• Thurs, Jan 15 - late night. Our realtor calls to let us know it's possible our buyer's funding is about to fall through. WHAT.
• Fri, Jan 16 - waiting...
• Sat, Jan 17 - waiting...
• Sun, Jan 18 - waiting...

We felt confused. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I think I've only covered half of the things so far that we were sure God had orchestrated. You guys. It had been unbelievable. Thing after thing after thing. For it to all fall through? 

But God answered. Not necessarily the answer we were hoping for, but he answered. He asked us to be quiet. To wait patiently. To trust and obey. And he asked us this over and over from Thursday to Sunday. It showed up on a friend's social media first... --->

Then in prayer. In Sunday school. In every verse we read or song we heard or encouraging post we saw. Wait. 

So we're waiting. Right now we believe the closing date on our townhouse will not be lost, but extended by more than two months. It's very possible that once we get the final word on that and ask to extend the closing date on our new house to match that they will say no. I have no idea. But we are waiting. And praying. And trying very hard to just trust and obey. Because this - 

   When they arrived at the place where God had told Abraham to go, he built an altar over the wood. And Abraham took the knife and lifted it up to kill his son as a sacrifice to the Lord. At that moment the angel of the Lord shouted to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

   "Yes," he answered. "I'm listening."

   "Lay down the knife," the angel said. "Do not hurt the boy in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God. You have not withheld even your beloved son from me."

   Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a bush. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering on the altar in place of his son. Abraham named the place "The Lord Will Provide." This name has now become a proverb: "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided."

   Then the angel of the Lord called again to Abraham from heaven, "This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly..." 

What are you trusting God for?

the one where I

I am not a finisher.

Not even close. I'm an IDEAS girl. I love to create and find new things and develop and plan... but I rarely finish.

One of the biggest areas this nasty habit emerges is in my reading life. I used to say I wasn't A READER. Your reaction to that statement probably has something to do with my degree in English or my 7 year run as an English teacher, but that's another discussion for another day. Last year I set out on a quest to become A READER. It worked. But it did not resolve my deep-seated issues of being a non-finisher. I'm currently in the middle of reading 6 books--with a stack of about as many on deck.

From time to time, this finishing issue starts to get to me. It's like a bad habit that I'm constantly looking to break. Last Tuesday was one of those times. I sat down with a fairly free schedule for the day and decided to finish as much of my "currently reading" list as possible. (Truth be told, I felt guilty about a book my sister-in-law had let me borrow and thought I could return it to her over Thanksgiving.) Goal set.

Don't you know where this is going? Here's what I read that afternoon...

from You're Made for a God-Sized Dream by Holley Gerth

Heather didn't ever think of herself as a "stay-at-home" mom. She respected and admired women who made that choice. Yet it was clear she had an incredible gift when it came to designing and God had called her to DaySpring. Still, as Micah grew and a daughter, Lily, arrived as well, it seemed she heard a new call too.
She sensed God whispering that for this season, he wanted her to be able to focus more on being a mom. We talked about that transition many times over lunch. Heather wrestled with it intensely. Even when she made the transition, she confessed that it was much harder than she imagined, although it was what a part of her deep inside really wanted too.
She had two God-sized dreams that seemed to be in conflict with each other. Heather says:
It took some time to adjust to the idea. Those first few months were very hard. Then one day a quote stick out to me. It said, "You can have it all--but you can't have it all at once." That changed my perspective. I began to think of my dreams in terms of seasons. For now, I knew that the God-sized dream of being home with my kids was supposed to be my main focus. That was a dream that didn't come naturally to me. My other dream, of fulfilling my creative calling, had always been there, and now it seemed I needed to pursue it differently. For a while I stepped away completely from that dream but then gradually began doing freelance work and finding other ways to express that desire of my heart. In a few years, both of my kids will be in school and my God-sized dreams will change again. I used to think that dreams stayed the same all of our lives. Now I understand that they change right along with us and what God has in each season....

Our lives shift and change. Seasons come and go. Our dreams do too. But through it all one thing remains steady: the God who put those dreams within our hearts in the first place.

The end of that hit me hard. Did you catch it? It's probably a personal issue, but I definitely read this sentence in there:

"In a few years, both of my kids will be in school and I will go back to the job I loved."

And as I finished the sentences that followed, they just did not seem cohesive with that idea. So I reread it.

HAH. Change. "... and my God-sized dreams will change again." Come on. Really?

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for my life to go back to how it was when ________.

I always say that somewhere in the back of my mind I expect to go back to Olivet Nazarene University. I think about walking across campus and Darin riding up next to me on his bike. I think about soaking up knowledge in the halls of Burke or late night study sessions at Denny's. I think about going back to a time when spending a Saturday in the Windy City was normal and life was oh-so-simple.

Other times I assume life will return to being two young newlyweds with the world before us. Traveling together, making some of our very first real world decisions together, having nothing and no one but each other to take care of each day.

I'm not saying I wish to go back to these previous lives. I love my life and regret not one bit of it. It's hard to explain, but I actually just find myself assuming that we will see those experiences again someday. And we won't. Which is okay. But we won't.

My current dilemma leaves me thinking about when I'll go back to teaching. And when I imagine it, I imagine it perfectly like it was in the past. This will never happen. And I know this, but I've been stuck thinking about it for quite some time. Until I read this story from this book I had carelessly not finished. And oh, how I needed to read that very story on that very day.

Life won't go back to what it was. Ever. I'm working on that idea still. I am frequently asked if I'll go back to teaching next year or maybe when Jackson goes to school. I never know how to answer this. It usually depends on how my day is going. Things going well? I might not ever go back. Tough day? I'm going back next year. But I think God is trying to tell me that I will never just "go back." There's a different dream at the end of this one. Who knows how close it will look to anything I've done in the past.

More importantly, I'm not to the end of this dream yet. So I'm praying and waiting and listening and hoping to find contentment and peace with where God has me right now. And some days, I really see it! I'm working on the others. [Deep breath out.]

Dear Mady Jane, You are LOVED.

"And he told them the wonderful Story of God's Love -- God's Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love."  [The Jesus Storybook Bible]

Dear Mady Jane,

I've been thinking about you quite a bit lately -- about my job as your parent, about the unbelievable amount of new things you are learning, about who you are at your very core (and why). You are five and a half (we know that "half" is oh so important). You have entered the world of Kindergarten. You are making friends on your own. You are buying lunch in the cafeteria. You are using words like vertices and investigation and circumference and gratitude. You are reading -- everything. Your rate of change is incalculable right now. It's crazy, really. And scary. SLOW DOWN, Child! I can't keep up, and you know I have a slight need to control. ;)

As my head spins and I try to do all the best things for you, I am constantly hoping that we can give you the best foundation for what God has for your future. Your future is b-r-i-g-h-t, girl. You are intelligent. You have enthusiasm. You love people. But most importantly, you know Jesus.

I know I fail often, but I have been repeatedly reminded lately that my parenting is an important piece of what could shape how you view God in the future -- the struggles you might have with faith or the things that will come easily because you've experienced them through us. Oh, how I pray the comparisons will be more than the contrasts. I know it is my job to provide you with an example of love -- "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love." I adore the way this description of God's love is repeated in your Storybook Bible. And I adore, even more, that you quote this portion every night from memory as we read.

Do not forget that love, Mady. I will try to show it to you as often as humanly possible, but, girl, I am just not quite good enough for you to experience the depth of love that you deserve. Please realize that this is the difference between us and God. He can do that. Perfectly. So when you doubt your awkward-middle-school self... when the high school hormones are flailing... when you question what you're supposed to be doing with your young adult life... when you (some far far away day) become a mother and feel completely inadequate... I pray you will hear an echo of your sweet five-and-a-half-year-old self and remember His "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love." Because that, Madelyn Jane, is His gift for you.

Jesus, thank you for your perfect love. Help me to be an example of that love. Help me to never stop, to never give up. Keep me from breaking, failing. And when my love does break and fail, help me to pick it back up, that it may be always and forever. Only through you.